Last night I was in a mood. A mood to get out of the house and shop for something fun, something just for myself. I wanted to go out and be able to take my time to browse and peruse, and not have to hurry, or have flat hair and a stained shirt and a baby on my hip.

I told Justin and he was fine with it. (I have such a patient husband)

So, I put Audrey to bed a little early, fluffed my hair, transferred my wallet and car keys from the diaper bag to my purse, kissed Justin and flew out the door. I was on a mission. No kids, no spilling sippy cups, no rushing. Just me, cute spring clothes and my debit card.

Once at the store sans baby and husband and using an actual purse like a regular person I browsed and perused. I even tried a few things on, but didn't find a single thing that was just right.

Until I found myself in the kids section. I spent the rest of the night shopping for Audrey.

I am a Mom. Even when I try not to be.

A little while ago Justin asked me if I still get my hopes up. If, despite the years of failure and disappointment, I still wonder and hope and pray every month when I'm a little late on my cycle.

Since Audrey has come into our lives, so many things have changed. The grief and sadness and anger that accompanied our infertility have magically disappeared. Over night. I don't cry at night anymore. Instead of tearing up at the mention of anything baby related I'm laughing all day long at my funny daughter. Instead of dreading church and it's focus on raising families, I'm embracing it and loving so much that I can be included. I don't count days of the month and chart ovulation anymore, I don't spiral into a weepy mess when my unwelcome period comes yet again. I'm too busy snuggling this beautiful, sweet, wiggly miracle that I get to call my daughter.

If Audrey is the only child we have we will be happy and count our blessings and thank our Heavenly Father for her and everyone that helped bring her to us for the rest of our lives.

But, we want to have more children. We want Audrey to have a little sister or brother.Whether I get pregnant or we adopt again really doesn't matter.




It really doesn't.

But, my answer to Justin's question? Do I still get a little hopeful and then a little disappointed?

I said, "Every time."

and Justin's response? "Me too."